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The Theory of a Threesome

by August 1, 2012
filed under Sex & Dating

A threesome might sound appealing in theory, but would it actually work out in reality? I personally have never had a threesome, and the thought of it might be interesting, but I wonder if there would always be too much drama surrounding it. I’ve asked around a bit and this is a common result of threesomes that people have experienced, or a common concern for people who haven’t. I discussed the topic with a friend who had her own threesome, but she claimed that it wasn’t actually worth it in the end, because of the worry and hurt feelings that ended up resulting from it, which wasn’t really a very welcome addition to the situation.

My friends’ threesome started out innocently, and was just another random night of drinking and hanging out with friends – this particular night in a hot tub. She’s only into gurls, but all her gurl friends there that night were into guys. No one ever expected a threesome would happen, as the logistics just wouldn’t work out. But sometimes, you never know, especially when alcohol helps loosen things up.

Apparently after enough alcohol had been consumed, people just started getting rather touchy feely with each other, and there was one gurl who saw where it was going so got out of the hot tub, leaving three of them there. My friend, I’ll call her Sadie, says that things were complicated because the two gurls there were two of her closest friends, I’ll call them Leena and Odette. She had already had relations with Leena, though Leena only dated guys.

Nothing had ever happened between her and Odette, nor did she think anything ever would. So, one thing led to another, and then, things progressed to the point that everyone’s clothes came off. The problem was that Sadie and Leena had already been involved, so were more into each other. This left Odette being left out, making her feel somewhat inadequate and excluded. It was an accident, and just happened naturally, since they were already more comfortable with and attracted to each other, and though Sadie said she was doing her best to pay attention to both people, it was difficult. She was slightly stressed because there wasn’t as much time to focus on how everyone was feeling about the whole thing, meaning that everyone’s energy was a bit stretched, and it was a difficult balance to achieve, which apparently didn’t even totally work out.

The other part of why the threesome wasn’t completely successful was how people ended up feeling about it afterwards. Odette was a little distressed, because she was actually dating a guy at the time. The whole thing made her question her sexuality and herself, wondering if this experience meant that she was actually gay or bisexual, and also felt extreme guilt at cheating on her boyfriend. She told Sadie of her worries, who assured her that she probably wasn’t a lesbian because your sexual experiences don’t determine your sexuality, especially ones that happen when drunk. This made her feel better, but she still had to worry about the issue of her boyfriend. She felt too badly about not being monogamous with him and decided to break it off, unfortunately, wanting to start over again with someone else.

Sadie said the whole thing was not anymore satisfying than normal, and the worry, hurt feelings, and breaking up of a relationship that it caused, wasn’t worth the short period of time it lasted. She decided that having normal, monogamous sex with people is usually more gratifying.

Would threesomes always be a bad idea though? Personally, I think they would usually cause more trouble than they were worth, unless they happened under certain circumstances. The only way I think a threesome would work well is if you were with two complete strangers and you were all equally attracted to each other, with no expectations of any sort of commitment. Or it might work if you had a very strong relationship with someone and you both trusted and loved the other person enough so that you wouldn’t have to worry about being threatened by bringing another person into it, so they were just there for fun.

I wouldn’t completely write a threesome off as something I would never do. But I think that, for the most part, it’s much easier and less messy to just go about things normally, and stick with one person at a time. You can have your fun with that one person all you want, and there are other ways to experiment other than through a threesome. Plus, this usually leaves both people feeling a lot better about themselves, better about their relationship and more satisfied with the whole experience in general. So to learn from other people’s experiences, a threesome would not be something that I would aim for, and my better judgment guards against it, as long as alcohol doesn’t disintegrate it.


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