Yes, sex is beautiful and spiritual and all that jazz, but sometimes when your vagina farts or you hear his butt cheeks flapping like two pancakes it’s pretty difficult to get in the zone. All of the weird stuff that we experience during coitus happens because our bodies are programmed to function purposefully. However, the beauty in sex is when the glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling align and those vagina farts and butt flaps become irrelevant. To get to that point, there are some things you should know.
Don’t focus on what looks good, focus on what feels good
Newsflash: Your partner can see your body through your clothes and probably has imagined what you look like naked. If they are already having sex with you then the chances of them caring about a couple tummy rolls or a weird, but actually cool, birthmark on your thigh are slim to none because you on top is literally their dream come true. My point is, don’t worry about how you look, focus on how it feels. If it doesn’t feel good then find a position that works better. I can assure you that your partner won’t reflect on the experience only to recall one belly button hair that you forgot to tweeze. But your partner will remember that you insisted on keeping your shirt on and the lights off.
Penetration isn’t necessarily the best way to reach orgasm
This is something that my college boyfriend taught me. Instead of having your partner thrust in and out, or you hopping up and down, allow your clitoris to make contact with their pelvis bone and rock back and forth. I promise, this still feels good for them. Another method of doing this is during doggie-style. As they thrust from behind, rock back and forth on your fingers or the thumb-side of your hand. Pressure is key.
The wetter you are down there the better it is
Have you ever noticed that when you get super turned on you can feel your vagina sort of throbbing? And when you pull your pants down there’s a little wet spot on your undies? That’s called science, people, and it’s REALLY cool! Lubrication is your body’s way of preparing itself for sexy-time so you can better put something between your lady-part muscles. Also, when you ovulate – you know, release an egg about halfway between menstrual cycles – your vagina produces extra mucus because our bodies are most fertile during ovulation. This may cause you to feel a bit hornier and wetter around this time. Biology was never my thing, but the anatomy is fascinating.
Embrace protection in all its glory
If I had a nickel for each time I had thought, ‘I should’ve used protection,’ I’d have like, fifteen cents. But still, one pregnancy scare is one too many. The same goes for STIs. Let’s be sexy and smart at the same time. Also, anyone that ever complains about wearing protection isn’t worth fucking. Trust me.
Your number doesn’t matter
I’m a firm believer that practice makes perfect. I’m not telling you gurls to go out and have sex with anyone that shows you interest, but if you want to bang, then have at it. Ultimately you’ll have a better idea of what you like between the sheets and what gets you going best with more practice.
You won’t get ‘loose’ if you have too much sex
You know when you haven’t stretched for a couple weeks and you go to hot yoga randomly and feel like your muscles are tighter than they ever have been? Or when you stretch every single day and then stop for a while only to tighten up again? The same goes for your pelvic muscles. If it’s your first time having sex you’ll probably be very sore the following day, and maybe even a few after, but if you have sex every day you’ll stop getting so sore because your body has adjusted. Now, pretend that you’ve been having sex regularly and then you and your partner break up (I’m sorry, go get some ice cream and masturbate) and you rebound a few weeks later and you’re like, ‘wow, why am I so tight?’ It’s because your vagina is a very malleable little organ.
You’re not bossy for telling your partner what you want in bed
This is like telling a waiter to ‘please hold the anchovies, but a little extra cheese would be good, thanks.’ Telling your partner to ‘go left’ and ‘lighten up with the teeth’ will enhance the experience for both of you.
Fucking for hours on end is exhausting and not everyone is doing it
According to a 2008 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, most couples only last between three and thirteen minutes.
Muscle spasms happen to the best of us
Sex is a workout. There have been nights where I had so much sex that I decided to skip the gym because of how sore I was the next day. Muscle spasms are harmless, but excruciatingly painful. If you get a cramp, take a break and stretch yourself out before you resume. Drinking water and eating a banana might help, too.
Don’t worry about it so much
Sex is fucking awesome – that’s why those brilliant scholars made the erotic act into an expletive, and that’s why people still do it every single day. Relax and have fun.
Lastly: Solo sex is real sex
If you don’t feel like getting hot and heavy with other people just yet, you can go fuck yourself. Literally.