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How to Break Up With a Cheater without Beating Yourself Up

by July 31, 2014
filed under Sex & Dating

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My first serious boyfriend and I met through a group of friends, and we hit it off right away. His sense of humor and bubbly personality made it hard for me not to like him. After a little while, we began dating and everything went smoothly. Like any relationship, we had our ups and downs, but it was still strong. As time went on, we began to fight more and more about petty things, and eventually he broke up with me.

We wound up getting back together a few months later. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to give it another shot. I missed him so much, and dating him all over again just felt right. I didn’t want to admit it, but I felt deep down that something wasn’t right as our relationship went on, but kept it to myself because I figured that I was being paranoid.

Months later, I checked my blog and noticed that I received an anonymous message from someone. The message said that my boyfriend had cheated on me and even gave specific names of people who they had heard this from. At first I didn’t want to believe it. It was an anonymous message; it could have been anyone trying to start trouble. Then, as I gave it more thought, I realized that they had worded the message in a sympathetic way, not in a hateful way. I decided to ask my boyfriend to stop by my house and confront him about the situation.

He told me, face to face, that he had kissed someone else. It hurt so badly, but for some reason, I wasn’t as angry or upset as I should have been in the moment. I guess that I didn’t want to believe it. I broke up with him, and found out afterward that not only did he cheat on me with one gurl, but with multiple gurls. I felt so betrayed and useless. We dated for a year and the majority of the time he wasn’t even interested in me.

I cried it out for days and weeks. I felt used. I blamed myself because I couldn’t see why he would cheat on me repeatedly out of the blue. I couldn’t picture my life without him at that point, and I didn’t know what to do. After what I’d like to think of as my grieving period (crying and listening to sad Noah and the Whale songs), I talked with some friends. They reassured me that what happened wasn’t my fault and that I shouldn’t beat myself up about it.

No matter what, if you’re cheated on it’s not your fault. You cannot blame yourself for the wrongdoing caused by someone else. It doesn’t matter how many times you forgot to answer a text message, or if you didn’t like PDA. The person who cheated might have a reason, but that doesn’t matter. Never compromise yourself to appease someone else. Remind yourself that you are good and worthy of someone who loves you unconditionally. Don’t try to justify why the person has cheated; come to terms with it, but move on and remind yourself that there are better things ahead.

Whenever I think back on this relationship, I think about the phrase, “flowers grow where dirt used to be.” Good always comes out of the bad, especially with relationships. Freeing yourself of an unhealthy relationship is liberating, even if it doesn’t feel that way at first. It will take time to heal, but it’ll be worth it.


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