Do Not Dial

by April 18, 2012
filed under Sex & Dating

Do Not Dial

I called my ex. It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. No, we hadn’t talked for months. Yes, I had deleted him off Facebook, gotten rid of all photo evidence, and avoided the temptation of the zombie relationship. But I still had his number, so when the opportunity presented itself I caved.

Of course, the conversation went badly. I handed my pride over to him on a silver platter, and was then appalled when he gobbled it up. How could I have thought this would be a good idea? Well, I have come up with a list of four main reasons for calling an ex, and the most likely results of these calls, so that you will not fall into the same frustrating and often humiliating situation.

The Drunk Dial

You had one too many beers, tequila shooters or bottles of Boones. You are swaying and sashaying. You are grooving and moving and having a fantastic time. And then you get the bright idea that you should let your ex know what a fantastic time you are having. You are fun, wild, and clearly winning the breakup and they need to know about it. This directly links to the desire (drunk or sober) to brag to your ex about every accomplishment since the relationship ended, just to show how better than okay you are.

Put down the phone.

Your ex does not care if you are having fun, and this call will only result in you feeling like a pathetic alcoholic when either you see your phone history in the morning or your ex is so nice as to throw you a text the next day asking about the hangover.

The Lonely Call

It has been a long week. Work is stressing you out. Your friends are annoying you. You are tired of sitting at home watching reruns of HIMYM. You miss talking with the ex. They were always good for a laugh, reassurance, and they really just got you.

You don’t even miss the relationship stuff – it is everything else that makes you pick up the phone and flip through your contacts, hesitating over the highlighted number.

Do not press dial.

Scroll up or down and find the number for your best friend or your mom. They can listen to your whining for the time being; your ex does not want to hear it. Even if he says that he misses you and you have a lovely conversation just like the old days, it is not the old days. You are not together and if the call goes well, it will only lead to confusion about something that is over. And if it doesn’t go well, you are going to feel like a fool earlier than later.

The Booty Call

You are horny. Your ex knows all the tricks that blow your mind, and you just need to get laid. It may or may not have anything to do with missing the relationship. Either way, stop.

If he says no, you are going to feel like an idiot. Even if you do sleep together and have a great time, you are still not together. Nothing has changed, and it is highly unlikely that one if not both of you will not end up getting hurt.

You can get laid elsewhere. Don’t use your ex. It may seem like the easy solution during, but the later complications are not worth the orgasm(s).

The Rant

You are so angry! How could your ex treat you the way he did? You are better than that! It doesn’t make sense! You had something great! How could it be thrown away so easily? Was it all a lie? You just need some closure God damnit!


You need to go for a run, a drive, for ice cream, or for drinks. Do something to distract yourself. You will not get closure now. He can’t answer your questions, and you certainly do not want to yell and/or weep on the phone to him about how much he hurt you. Your pride cannot handle it, and it will make the break-up even fresher.

Closure may be something you actually need later, but not while you are still angry, bitter, and hurt. Real closure will only come with acceptance of yourself.

Delete your ex’s number out of your phone. Right now. There is no reason to call your ex. My ego is still bruised and sore, and no logic I had prior to the call makes any sense to me now. Write the number on a piece of paper and give it to a friend. Chances are, you will never need it anyway.

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