When Karma Fails

by May 16, 2012
filed under Sex & Dating

When Karma Fails

Finding out your ex is in a new relationship is kind of like being on a super health kick. You are working your ass off, but you haven’t lost a single pound and the bitchiest girl you know is on the elliptical next to you talking on the phone to her boyfriend about how she is trying so hard to gain weight, and how he is just going to have to love her skinny. And she looks fucking amazing.

You convince yourself that she really works out all the time, and she is just playing coy – but then you see her at your favourite donair shop, wolfing down a full combo in a manner normally reserved for 240-300 lb fat kids devouring a piece of chocolate cake.

Yup. Finding out your ex is dating again is kind of like that. You have absolutely no right to be pissed off or annoyed, but your blood is boiling. It just isn’t fair!

If you are still healing or reeling from the break-up, this news is sure to rip that scab off and reveal the heart-break all over again. I think my first thought was, “are you kidding me?!”

I have to admit, I let my bitter show. Every couple holding hands had me wanting to run up and rip those clinging fingers apart. I wanted to shout, “it isn’t gonna work! Get out while you still can! He says he loves you, but that is just till he loves someone else. Get out!” and run off laughing manically. Thankfully, I settled for rolling my eyes in a fairly conspicuous manner.

Yes, rationally and logically I am well-aware that what my ex does or who my ex dates has absolutely no precedence in my life. It shouldn’t matter. We lead separate lives and will pursue our separate happiness. But I am pretty sure that I was supposed to be happy first!

It is selfish. It is illogical. I should advise you all to be bigger people than me, and be happy for your ex. But who are we kidding? We are petty human beings who often lash out when we are hurt and we certainly want the people who have hurt us to be hurt as well.

And so I have developed a much more childish approach to dealing with this news.

Step One: Call a friend.

Not just any friend. You need to call the friend that can do all of the ex/new girlfriend bashing for you, so that you can be the bigger person. Call the one that will tell you how much cuter/smarter/funnier you clearly are than the new partner. Discuss all the ways in which this new relationship may crumble and end miserably.

Step Two: Binge

Scotch. Ice cream. Chocolate. Exercise (yup, some people do that. Crazy, right?). Wine. Sappy movies. Pick your poison. Repeat as necessary.

Step Three: Remember all the bad.

Remember how he chewed with his mouth open, or never failed to accidentally insult your mother? Remember how he was always late? Whatever you need to cling to, big or small, remember the things that drove you crazy and think of how they are not your problem any more. Yup. That’s right. You had a close call there. Thank god you aren’t her.

Step Four: Look at all the things you have accomplished since the break-up.

Did you take up martial arts? Go travelling? Lose weight? Woman-up and sing some Karaoke? Make new friends? Anything that you have accomplished since it ended is yours and only yours, so revel in it. You are awesome.

Step Five: Be a grown up and let it go.

Okay, so the childishness does have to end at some point. You can indulge for a couple days, but eventually you are going to have to let it go to keep your own happiness. Yes, it is irksome that the ex has moved on when you are still hurt. Yes, it is annoying that feelings you thought you had dealt with are dredged up again by the thought of someone replacing you (even though you have no desire to be in that position anymore). But at some point you will have to let go.

Take it as the last blow. He moved on. There is nothing left now. You can officially move on, and whether you ever wish him happiness or not, you are truly free to pursue your own.

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