5 Types of People You Should Never Date

by July 2, 2012
filed under Sex & Dating

Overall, I would say I have had a pretty good experience in the dating world. I’d give it a solid 7 out of 10. But every so often, there comes that person who you think back on and say “I. Don’t. Even.”

I am seriously astounded at the types of people I have dated, and this list is just a very condensed version of the actualities of the hellish experiences I’ve willingly put myself through.

1. The Needy One

This is the person that no matter how many times you say, “I really like you,” it will forever be registered into their minds as, “just kidding, I’ve lied to you about EVERYTHING.” I’m sure that I have been the needy girl once or twice, and I have sufficiently reprimanded myself for that, but I need all of you who do this to stop it. Right now. And by “needy” I don’t mean wanting to be near someone constantly, or being overly emotional. I mean needing constant reassurance, or being completely co-dependent. Basically saying, “love me, love me, hold me, hold me, kiss me, kiss me, touch me, touch me. Or I will hunt you down.”

2. The Person on a Spiritual Journey

Unless you’re really into philosophy, or you can accept the fact that your relationship is just a mere illusion of the physical world to this person; I say nay nay. Doing yoga to cleanse the mind or strengthen the body is something I can relate to – but have you ever actually tried to speak to someone who is really that into yoga? I can only hear “live in the moment” so many times before I will make a hot pocket and throw it in your face. Half the time I’m left scratching my head and questioning my existence. And my use of plastic bags at the supermarket. Although at first glance it seems like it would be the best sex of your life, you will realize your mistake once forced to stop periodically to take a full asana.

3. The Neighborhood Douchebag

A species I’m sure we are all too familiar with. This is the one with an unbearably large ego who is consistently condescending to anything that will stand around long enough to listen. They are closely related to “The Neighborhood Boor.” The most infuriating part about these people is that the more you try to explain to them why the suck, the more they insist you are, in fact, the uncultured peasant and they are God’s gift to Earth. I have only ever dated one person like this, and now I am living in a maimed world where I am in a temporary emotional coma. Realizing you are dating this kind of person is grosser than gross. In fact, it is grounds to peel your own skin off and run far, far away. This person goes from zero to aggro in 10 seconds. They are literally flying off the handle at even the slightest mention of opposition to their opinion. Hot pocket. In the face.

4. The “I’m Not Looking for a Relationship” Person

Unless you are willing to take that phrase at face value— wave the white flag and back away. Casual dating is fun and it can work. Unless you’re that person who believes can “fix” people. This is a myth. You’re being needy and weird. Stop that.

5. The Person Who Wants to “Rescue” You

In a direct reference to the previous “nay nay,” these are the people who always want to date a complete psycho in the hopes they will “fix” them. The more mental you are, the more attractive you will seem to this person. They need to feel needed, so as soon as they ‘normalize you’ to some extent, off you go into the wind, free bird. You have been saved! As soon as your problems are fixed, you are no longer useful. This is the method people use to take the focus off of their own problems by fixing every other basket-case. If you really want to dive into this headfirst, I suggest investing in a book full of classified psychological and physical conditions to reach maximum mental status and avoid their own impending doom of crazy that will destroy your soul.

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