Written by anonymous
Am I less of a woman because I don’t like the mall? It’s a valid question.
To me, the mall is the perfect place to enjoy a soft pretzel and sip soda. It can be even more wonderful for those looking to immerse themselves in recycled air conditioning during the dog days of summer. You can even ride around on glass elevators and breathe in the refreshing and perfunctory scents of awkward teens.
The mall is not, however, a conducive atmosphere for shopping.
A windowless building with several tiered levels screams ‘bomb threat’ and sort of resembles snakes and ladders.
Luckily for people like me who need sunlight and a smaller square-foot radius to function without the prospect of a panic attack, God invented marked-down stores, thrift shops, outlets and – for the real introverts – online shopping.
Though society’s upper crust wouldn’t dare set foot in any retail store with linoleum flooring, I’m perfectly content to bear the responsibility of perpetuating business for Tarjay and any other of its sister companies.
1) Affordable clothing: C.R.E.A.M. That’s right, Cash Rules Everything Around Me because I’m laughably broke. There’s no way I’m about to drop $300 for a purse with a bunch of MKs all over it that everyone else already owns. Or snag a $45 tee shirt with a logo of an animal (I’m looking at you, Abercrombie/Hollister/American Eagle/Aeropostale)
2) @MiserableMen: An Instagram account that documents “bored men, miserably waiting for their wives to shop.” 9/10 times the pictures on the account are taken at the mall. Numbers don’t lie.
3) Terrible lighting in stores: Let’s start with the fact that there is absolutely no natural light. Those sly-dog architects modeled the malls after black holes to suck in the poor humans in hopes of making a fine buck.
4) Terrible lighting in dressing rooms: Dear genius who thought that using the same light bulbs for dressing rooms and anti-depression lamps was a good idea. You’re a fucking moron. I’d be better off not knowing that I have cellulite or a happy trail. I think the other women in the world would agree there should be mall-subsidized therapy.
5) Human interaction: If you haven’t figured it out yet, (most) humans are terribly annoying. We’re selfish, horny and moody creatures. Throw a bunch of the most narcissistic ones in the same thousand-foot vicinity and you have yourselves a showdown. Just tons of acrylic nails, resting bitch faces and pissed off employees.
6) Impulse buys: Socks, Ring-Pops, miniature Yankee Candles and cellphone cases that you really don’t need… they’re all awaiting your arrival on the shelves that line the registers. Did I mention the fake jewelry that will break before you can even get it in your house and will turn your skin all sorts of shades of green?
7) “Meet me in the mall, it’s going down.” Ah, the songbird of our generation; Yung Joc. More like, “Meet me in the parking lot behind Walmart because I’m going to need some help loading my car.”
What do you hate about going to the mall? Let me know in the comments below.